Moving On

Hello blog readers...Yeah it's me again, giving you a mental healthy moment to think about.  As I head into the anniversary date of my husband's death, I began to think about what should I say. What should my conversation be about that will help me during this time.  So I decided to write about forgiving all the 'hims' in my life.

Who are these 'hims'? Well they are every male figure in my life that I seemed to have emotional ties with either through pain or rejection.  Rejection is a powerful act from any human being.  Rejection keeps you tied and bound down to things that you should let go.  Rejections blinds you on your way to healing if you allow it. Learn to reject rejection in order to find peace with certain situations in your life.  Don't be afraid to be rejected. Rejection actually became my motivator.  The only revenge I sought after, after being rejected, was becoming someone no one will ever reject again. Rejection brings on the  hurt and the pain.  It can also influence someone to loose their mind if they're not mentally strong enough to handle the act of rejection. Think about when a parent rejects/abandons you what does it do to you? Exactly! Well these hims in my life created my will and my determination to make something happen for me.    I've allowed their rejections to take me through so many changes in my life, good and bad. And noticed I said 'I've allowed'.  But I'm still here and I can smile and say that I learned a lot of lessons during these times. Let me be the first to say that God sometimes allows people to do what they do so that you can get to the next level in your life.  They played their part. I mean I'm not where I want to be but I am on the road of recovery and making things happen for me.  I didn't turn to the negative things that rejections/abandonment can create in a person.  But instead, I turned it into triumphs and testimonies. I was always told that 'people do what you allow them to do' and that is a fact.  You have to learn to mentally challenge the oppress state that this act creates in you and look at it for the good.  

Let's talk about the first him in my life that I seem to struggle with letting go. Well he rejected me a lot during a time in my life that I mentally escape too when I want to think about good times, teen years.  Not only did he reject me he abandon me when I needed him the most.  I was his best kept secret the one he ran too when he needed comfort but the one he left hurting when I needed comfort.    But over the years, I've learned to look at his rejection as motivation.  I spent most of my life trying to prove that he rejected the wrong chic.  He gave me inspiration and determination just by doing one little simple thing in my life.  Rejecting my ever existence and toying with my emotions.  The crazy thing is here 20 plus years later, he still finds a way to reject me and toy with my emotions.  He reaches out to me at least once a year and like clock work, he's gone again.  Bless his little heart though, every time he does this he makes me stronger and keeps me even more determined to stay on course.  So I guess this is God's way to check in and refuel my tank when it gets low.  So he is playing his role I just wish he get the picture one day.  I pray that things in my life becomes full of God's abundance and doors open for me that I would've never imagined.  The only thing is, I'm not sure if I want to mentally let him go because I've relied on him to keep me fueled up. God give me strength.

Another him use to make me feel like I was not worthy enough to be with anyone else.  In fact, he made me see flaws about myself that didn't even exist. They were actually his flaws and I soon learned that he was not only jealous but he struggled with me being a strong female.  I actually had a lot of these hims.  They would always tell me these dreams about what they want to do, what they have, how they love the lord and what I'm not going to have if they weren't in my life.  Well for these hims, I've learned to think about myself being the 'bad chic' because I intimidated him by my act of kindness and my determination to make he and I better.  But on the flip side, I had a hard time dealing with these hims because I didn't want to intimidate them.  I wanted to help them as I struggled with seeing them not as my equal as I tried to make them my equal so that they wouldn't feel intimidated.  This caused me to settle and not demand more from them.  Rejection made me fearful of being rejected again by them which pulled me back to my crazy thoughts of needing them.  But really who was I kidding.  Anything worth having is worth working for.  So I had to determine was it worth having, was it worth working for.  Nope because I found myself putting in 85% and they were only doing 15%.  I wasn't selfish enough because I didn't think God wanted me to be selfish.  I thought I was being the woman I was suppose to be in the relationship. So I had to re-assess my 'I can do bad by myself' check list and determine is this him a deficit in my life.  I can do it by myself and was doing things by myself, what I needed that him for.   Exactly!

Let's talk about the him that changed my life.  The one who taught me that a man should be the person working hard in the relationship for the lady.   I'm just now realizing that I don't have to rush finding a re-placement in my life.  Although my husband wanted me to remarry I have learned that I should just wait on the Lord to provide me with my next husband.  When we realize as people that God sets us up with things that we can maintain ourselves.  If we just give him a little of us with a little prayer and accept guidance from him, if we just trust him, then the partnerships waiting for us in our lives will occur with the right person.  So many of us miss that, trust God, statement because we think we need to have that someone by our side when we want them and not when we need them.  God is by our side the whole time taking care of us.  Preparing us for the greater and for the one that is equally yolk to us.  Don't let rejection drive you in the arms of the wrong person, which is a lesson I'm still learning.

I know some people vision the death of my husband as a tragic experience but it was a spiritual one for me.   It taught me so many things about life existences and the roles we play in each others lives.  I miss him for sure but he stopped the storm in my life and helped usher me to the peace and harmony that I needed to have for my next journey.  When things get tough, I feel him around.  I still hear his encouraging words.  I still hear him cheering me on like I once heard him during my ceremony when I received my bachelor degree.  I see his smile and I hear him tell me I'm not disappointed and keep pressing toward the mark.  I had a void in my life that my father left behind but he sowed that void right on up and created the me I am today.

So blog readers, don't be afraid of rejection.  Some of the greatest people were developed because they were either rejected, abandoned or told no probably more then they were told yes or felt accepted.  Who rejected you? Tell them thank you for encouraging me to be greater.  Thank you for showing me that I can make it or make big things happen.  I may not be what you want but I am what I want.  I'm still standing and if God is for me who can be against me.  Until next time blog readers.  Remember this may not reach or teach you but it will reach and teach someone.  So let there be one.

It Takes A Village to Raise Child

Today's Mental Healthy Moment.....We went from forgiveness to train up a child.  Now let's move to the phrase, 'It Takes A Village To Raise A Child'.  When I was growing up I remember being around my great grandmother, grandmothers, grandfathers, great aunts, great uncles, my parent's siblings, cousins and my own sibling.  This was my village.   Today's villages consist of the child welfare systems and/or family.  In today's time, if a child ends up being raised by family and not in the care of their parents, it's not exactly because the family has made the choice. Someone has found that the parents aren't raising children appropriately and children are being placed with a system of strangers having little to no contact with their parents and/or family.  Is this the best thing? I will reserve my comments about this and share my thoughts in another blog.

'It Takes A Village to Raise a Child'. The village creators usually surrounds great grandmothers and/or great grandfathers whose presences continues to hold the concept together or because their presences have left the family, the concept of the village has become extinct.  I remember learning life through my village members, good and bad.  They were my teachers, my spiritual leaders, my friends and my disciplinarians.  They gave me vision when I had no vision, peace when I had no guidance and a drive to be somebody when I was trying to find myself.  I remember my granny telling me to learn to open up and not be so closed in because whatever the problem was, harboring will only hurt me.  She told me to let it go and open up, so to Granny, I'm opening up.  Then she gave me some home made tea made out of some berries to help with something I was dealing with at that time and boy was it nasty.  I've been inspired by this lady to want to heal and help others like she once did.

Then there was my 'grandma' who taught me determination regardless of what type of situation you are in and caring for others in spite of their faults. My grandaddy, he was always proud of me and made sure I knew it.  For whatever reason, his smile and that cane he walks with, stays in my mind and I look forward to seeing him after every accomplishment. Then there was my grandpa and Nannie. My Nannie, who I thought was my father's real mother at one point embraced me like I was hers and I never knew the difference. I was a little crushed when I learned that we weren't blood related but I got over it.  My grandpa and Nannie were my saviors along with my grandma.

Then there's my aunts and uncles starting with the greats.  The greats held standards that I wanted to meet. Notice I said I wanted to meet. They were the influence behind me pursuing a career and education.  They always inquired about my education and encouraged me to continue pursuing a higher one.  My great aunts kept me laughing and straight all at the same time.  Who does that? They do.

Then there's my parents siblings. OK now this crew taught me the world.  They taught me so much that I don't even know where to began.  But I will say this, I learned the dos and the don'ts, how to tolerate people, who to avoid, and I surely got a lot of practice on decipher between what not to do and what to do.  My aunts were my other sets of parents. Now I did tell on them a lot so I will own that.  In fact, I told on them so much that they began talking another language around me (pig Latin).  Hell I thought they were the creators of the language until I learned otherwise. Bless their little hearts and their friend's hearts, they didn't realize that I learned certain phrases when they did use this language and every time I heard 'eddyta earba' I knew to clue in on what they were saying.  Yep and I still told.

Then there were my cousins who were my first friends and best friends.  First, the cousins from my great aunts and uncles.  I didn't even know you'll were my cousins.  I thought you'll were my aunts and uncles.  So you guys are really classified up under my parents siblings.  You guys gave me the same experience as them, except I didn't tell on you.  But my cousins from my parent's siblings, there were four in particular, man I cried for you'll all the time.  But let me take this opportunity to clear the air. I would like to straighten some things with some of my cousins. Cousin hood is not competition.  Some have made it into that but we all have traits of the same blood running through our veins.  You can accomplish things. I don't act funny.  No I don't teach my kids too act funny.  Learn to let go of negative feelings.  I grew up with your mother and/or father because they had to take care of me. Them and the elder members of this village that I am speaking of.  They made me this way and understand that my time with them influenced the closeness in our relationship.  Yes I experienced their lives with them.  I watched them grow from children to women and men. I was in the household with them at times.  Some even came and stayed with me.  Now let me answer your questions, Yes I was the first to experience things such as having the first great grand, loosing a father, loosing a husband, earning a degree but this does not make me better then you. And I surely don't think I'm better then anyone.  I am the third girl in the grands line up and the fourth over all.  This is not a trophy to wear.  It's nothing to hold my nose high about. I've made mistakes and I endured pain and disappointments. But I turned them into success and if that makes me stick out and noticeable, then learn from my transition. Those are the facts and yes I put it out on this blog.  No one forgot about you.  In fact, I will never forget you, what I do is because of you.  That's it, that's all.

Then there were my parents whose struggles I've learned to embrace as lessons about life.  No pity parties, no blaming others, it was unconditional love and forgiveness that I learned along with trusting God when times got unbearable.  My dad gave me the best gift he can give a child, ushering a relationship with God.  No he wasn't always there and yes he is deceased, but I forgave him and he now sits in my living room (his ashes) watching over me. My mom, regardless and I mean regardless of anything that goes on in her life good or bad, she is my mother and the love I have for her is unexplainable.  She sets the stage for me relating to loving someone in spite of. They weren't perfect but I loved them any way.

I didn't forget my brother. Who was the thorn in my side at times but my brother.  We're not always on the same path but no body better not mess with him.

So now that I have given you the impact of how a village can come together and raise a child. If your village is broken down or if this triggered memories about the village that groomed you to your success.   Get back to building your village because we as parents can't do this by ourselves.  We need each other because we all play a role on working with preparing the next generation like the generation before us prepared us.  Remember, there has to be another President of the United States, there has to be new doctors, lawyers, hairstylist, therapist, bus drivers, etc. and they come from our offspring's.  They will make a difference in the future ahead of us.  Remember that.  Well that's it for me today.....It may not reach or touch you but it will reach or touch someone.....until next time take care blog readers.

A Child Should Be A Child

Good day to you blog readers....Here is my Mental Healthy Moment for today.  I was sitting thinking about a thought.  This thought was in relation to a place of a child.  Some children shouldn't be exposed to things before their time.  If you are a parent, yes you are responsible for what your child learns.  The ole' saying is 'train up a child' which some of you know what I just referenced along with the rest of the saying.  But it is our duties as adults and parents to train up a child.  We are their first teachers as parents and sometimes their first trainer and/or coach with preparing them for what life has in store for them.  We are their first experience of love, relationships, attachments, etc.  We're not given a book with lesson plans on how to teach them or how to raise them and  we usually go back to the resources of what our experiences were as children.  So if you had the roles confused growing up as a child guess what you do?......You pass on that confusion.  If you had teachers, then you teach good lessons.   But we all make mistakes.

I had to learn from my son after battling my emotions toward his father over the years.  I withheld interaction from his father as pay back for what he did to me. Some women run to child support as pay back (wrong intentions) and withhold the interactions because from my perception, money is compensated for the action of hurting them and withholding the ability to see the child is a way to return the hurt given to them. (My perception only)  Child support and visitations with the fathers go together just in case no one understood.  If the father of your child doesn't exercise his rights to visit that's on him.  Back to me, my pay back was talking bad to my son about his father.   I wanted to create the hate I felt toward his father in my son as a way of seeking revenge.  But one day my son checked me on that.  He said to me that he loved both of us and we both do the same thing (talk bad about the other to him).  He said he learned through the years how to balance both and determined on his own what to feel.  He had realized that we were both harboring feelings of hurt and pain that we both needed get over because at the end of the day, we were his parents and he will never see either one of us as bad people.  He later asked that I work on not dogging his father in front of him or with him and to get over what I felt because no one is perfect. I was lost for words because I knew in my heart that he was right.  I was also proud of him at the same time because of the courage it took for him to stand in my face at 15 years old and tell me something I needed to hear.

Later at 17 (2 years ago), when he graduated from high school, he came home one day after a battle with his dad about a choice he was trying to make where he needed his dad's help. He told me that he had to straighten another adult (his guidance counselor who knew his dad personally) about me.  It was at this moment that I come to realize that my son was able to decipher the truth without my influence.  He represented to a total stranger who went off the words and a perception from his father about me and my choices and how I and these choices inspired his life.  He said he was respectful but he wanted that lady to know that at the end of the day, regardless of what his father felt about me or toward me, I (his mother) took care of him without his financial support, through the desire to better myself by seeking a higher education. He also mentioned that I was a 'Damn' good mother because my hard work, sweat and tears over the years not only inspired him to pursue his dreams through a higher education but it also showed him that he can reach for his goals and no one else's.  He said on a final note he wanted her to know that his dad left off that I (his mother) was currently seeking a Ph.D. through these choices that his dad wanted her to know about putting me on a higher education level then her.  So he asked her what was negative with that? along with leaving her with the thought that I taught him that there is no limit or barrier that can hold you back from your goals unless you let it.  Those were his words which brought tears to my eyes (he don't know that) because the lesson I was trying to teach him he learned.  

So with that said, please know that your children are watching.  They see every move you make, they hear your conversations, they inspire to be you or be something like you.  So don't sow a bad seed in them if your ways are not right.  Don't tell them to do things and your doing opposite. Walk and teach by example.   Come to realize that children see the truth in situations without you opening your mouth.   Keep them from being exposed to your bad habits so that their path can be free from what you harbor.  If what you harbor can teach them, then teach them by changing your habits so that they can see we all make mistakes and can change from them.  It's not too late. It may be a little rough but it's not too late.

My last blog was about forgiveness and some times we have to understand that when we don't forgive we carry these burdens from our life lessons into our parental roles putting our children in situations where they grow before their time.  Although I thought I was doing right, It took that moment with my son to help me understand that I needed to be mindful of what I do and say in my children's presences and to teach them about the most valuable lessons that I had to endure and learn from and not create hate in them.  I'm not perfect and I'm still working through things. To my readers, don't allow the roles of your parental responsibilities transfer into your child's life at a young age.  Stop the cycle with you, break the chains. Don't turn them into parents at a young age.  Don't allow your 6 year old to experience 16 year old things.  Don't create a negative world view in them. Well that's it for me today. My mental healthy thought may not reach you but if it just reaches 1 then I'm good.  Until next time folks, take care.

Trauma and Thoughts

Yesterday was about perception and thoughts.  Today is about the impact of trauma toward our thoughts. My mental healthy moment for today surrounds how trauma affects our thoughts, our minds and different aspects of our lives ranging from maintaining and establishing relationships; being a student in school; being a good employee on a job; being a husband or wife; boyfriend/girlfriend or even a loyal friend.  Traumatic events big or small can affect how we think about the world around us.  Sometimes our perceptions are skewed by these events.  So skewed that we either become hypervigilant about certain situations or we can't recognize when a life altering situation faces us in our face. Think about why you can't trust that friend or that significant other. Who traumatized you and kept you trapped in your inability to trust?  What about when you push people away because you don't know how to accept when others care for you?  Who left you when you needed them the most? Why are you afraid to get close?  Who never showed up after so many promises that they will come? Or better yet, who promised to be with you for the ride, good or bad, but left when it got tough?  Your bags are still full and instead of you trying to empty them, you continue to clutter them with more baggage from the way you've handled things.  Who really created these feelings? Who or what are you giving credit too as the author of your thoughts? You're right I don't know your story, but I know your patterns. You walk around like life owes you when you owe yourself.  Just because things started out bad doesn't mean it has to end bad.  So I ask, who are you chasing?  Who are you trying to find? Who are you waiting for? What void are you trying to fill? Maybe your dad didn't come to see you because he was incarcerated and he didn't want you to know.  Maybe your mother battled a drug addiction because she was raped and learning to deal with the situation, drugs became her sanity.  Maybe the one you thought you could give your heart too had their own set of issues that they couldn't deal with so they took them out on you. Look how it damaged your self worth. Telling you all the bad things about how you look, pointing out all your faults, never saying anything nice, telling you no one else will want you. Maybe he/she wasn't the man/woman for you. Or maybe just maybe you still perceive a situation from the vision of a child and haven't matured enough to understand that what you thought as a child wasn't really what it appeared to be.  Recognize how it has made you into the person you said you didn't want to be. Look for the road signs to forgiveness.  Learn the meaning of the word forgiveness. Yes forgiveness, such a strong word sometimes unreachable at times.  Forgiving doesn't necessarily mean you have to forget.  Forgiving releases the hold that the situation has over your life allowing you to move toward a better future....forgive.  But most importantly, learn to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes.  Well that's it for me today.....I can go on and on....My mental healthy moments....yes healthy...are none stop because I want to challenge you to think healthier so you can live healthier....Take care.

Knowing What you Are Thinking

My mental health moment for today.........Sometimes we struggle with our thoughts resulting in them getting the best of us.  Perceptions and thoughts work together and can be our worst enemy.  Understand what you are thinking and how you got to thinking that thought.  Perceiving things in the wrong sense can be fatal. What we perceive can sometimes conflict with reality along with influencing how we feel.  One little feeling can make or break you.  Check in with yourself every now and then and remember to assess your perception and your thought together so that you can respond rationally.  But of all things remember anger is a normal feeling and feeling angry is okay. It's not the feeling of anger that can break you but it's what you do with that anger that counts. Keep your thoughts and perception in check with each other and don't be afraid to ask someone on else to help because they may have a different perception that can help you. I call it constructive criticism if it's not what I want to hear and advice if it settles in great with me.  Either way I can use the information to better me.  Don't mistake constructive criticism as judging we all need to hear things we may not be in favor of.  How else can we correct ourselves. Well that's it for me today....Know what you are thinking before you think out loud and be open to someone else's perception.