Hello blog readers...Yeah it's me again, giving you a mental healthy moment to think about. As I head into the anniversary date of my husband's death, I began to think about what should I say. What should my conversation be about that will help me during this time. So I decided to write about forgiving all the 'hims' in my life.
Who are these 'hims'? Well they are every male figure in my life that I seemed to have emotional ties with either through pain or rejection. Rejection is a powerful act from any human being. Rejection keeps you tied and bound down to things that you should let go. Rejections blinds you on your way to healing if you allow it. Learn to reject rejection in order to find peace with certain situations in your life. Don't be afraid to be rejected. Rejection actually became my motivator. The only revenge I sought after, after being rejected, was becoming someone no one will ever reject again. Rejection brings on the hurt and the pain. It can also influence someone to loose their mind if they're not mentally strong enough to handle the act of rejection. Think about when a parent rejects/abandons you what does it do to you? Exactly! Well these hims in my life created my will and my determination to make something happen for me. I've allowed their rejections to take me through so many changes in my life, good and bad. And noticed I said 'I've allowed'. But I'm still here and I can smile and say that I learned a lot of lessons during these times. Let me be the first to say that God sometimes allows people to do what they do so that you can get to the next level in your life. They played their part. I mean I'm not where I want to be but I am on the road of recovery and making things happen for me. I didn't turn to the negative things that rejections/abandonment can create in a person. But instead, I turned it into triumphs and testimonies. I was always told that 'people do what you allow them to do' and that is a fact. You have to learn to mentally challenge the oppress state that this act creates in you and look at it for the good.
Let's talk about the first him in my life that I seem to struggle with letting go. Well he rejected me a lot during a time in my life that I mentally escape too when I want to think about good times, teen years. Not only did he reject me he abandon me when I needed him the most. I was his best kept secret the one he ran too when he needed comfort but the one he left hurting when I needed comfort. But over the years, I've learned to look at his rejection as motivation. I spent most of my life trying to prove that he rejected the wrong chic. He gave me inspiration and determination just by doing one little simple thing in my life. Rejecting my ever existence and toying with my emotions. The crazy thing is here 20 plus years later, he still finds a way to reject me and toy with my emotions. He reaches out to me at least once a year and like clock work, he's gone again. Bless his little heart though, every time he does this he makes me stronger and keeps me even more determined to stay on course. So I guess this is God's way to check in and refuel my tank when it gets low. So he is playing his role I just wish he get the picture one day. I pray that things in my life becomes full of God's abundance and doors open for me that I would've never imagined. The only thing is, I'm not sure if I want to mentally let him go because I've relied on him to keep me fueled up. God give me strength.
Another him use to make me feel like I was not worthy enough to be with anyone else. In fact, he made me see flaws about myself that didn't even exist. They were actually his flaws and I soon learned that he was not only jealous but he struggled with me being a strong female. I actually had a lot of these hims. They would always tell me these dreams about what they want to do, what they have, how they love the lord and what I'm not going to have if they weren't in my life. Well for these hims, I've learned to think about myself being the 'bad chic' because I intimidated him by my act of kindness and my determination to make he and I better. But on the flip side, I had a hard time dealing with these hims because I didn't want to intimidate them. I wanted to help them as I struggled with seeing them not as my equal as I tried to make them my equal so that they wouldn't feel intimidated. This caused me to settle and not demand more from them. Rejection made me fearful of being rejected again by them which pulled me back to my crazy thoughts of needing them. But really who was I kidding. Anything worth having is worth working for. So I had to determine was it worth having, was it worth working for. Nope because I found myself putting in 85% and they were only doing 15%. I wasn't selfish enough because I didn't think God wanted me to be selfish. I thought I was being the woman I was suppose to be in the relationship. So I had to re-assess my 'I can do bad by myself' check list and determine is this him a deficit in my life. I can do it by myself and was doing things by myself, what I needed that him for. Exactly!
Let's talk about the him that changed my life. The one who taught me that a man should be the person working hard in the relationship for the lady. I'm just now realizing that I don't have to rush finding a re-placement in my life. Although my husband wanted me to remarry I have learned that I should just wait on the Lord to provide me with my next husband. When we realize as people that God sets us up with things that we can maintain ourselves. If we just give him a little of us with a little prayer and accept guidance from him, if we just trust him, then the partnerships waiting for us in our lives will occur with the right person. So many of us miss that, trust God, statement because we think we need to have that someone by our side when we want them and not when we need them. God is by our side the whole time taking care of us. Preparing us for the greater and for the one that is equally yolk to us. Don't let rejection drive you in the arms of the wrong person, which is a lesson I'm still learning.
I know some people vision the death of my husband as a tragic experience but it was a spiritual one for me. It taught me so many things about life existences and the roles we play in each others lives. I miss him for sure but he stopped the storm in my life and helped usher me to the peace and harmony that I needed to have for my next journey. When things get tough, I feel him around. I still hear his encouraging words. I still hear him cheering me on like I once heard him during my ceremony when I received my bachelor degree. I see his smile and I hear him tell me I'm not disappointed and keep pressing toward the mark. I had a void in my life that my father left behind but he sowed that void right on up and created the me I am today.
So blog readers, don't be afraid of rejection. Some of the greatest people were developed because they were either rejected, abandoned or told no probably more then they were told yes or felt accepted. Who rejected you? Tell them thank you for encouraging me to be greater. Thank you for showing me that I can make it or make big things happen. I may not be what you want but I am what I want. I'm still standing and if God is for me who can be against me. Until next time blog readers. Remember this may not reach or teach you but it will reach and teach someone. So let there be one.
